As I look Back
by iswearvoldemortmademedoit
Summary: The Dark Lord told her to kill Hermione Granger she was the brains of the trio, without her everything would fall into place. But what would happen if Bellatrix decided not to kill her, but instead take her in and hide her? Femmeslash.
1. Prologue

"To say the least I've never exactly been a normal person. I've murdered five hundred and forty two people, but yet, I'd never once describe myself as heartless, or even cruel. I'm constantly a running away from the authorities, police and aurors alike. They all understand though, I've been under the imperious curse too many times, I hardly notice it anymore. The police don't understand, but I have a good 'lawyer' who makes sure I stay out of prison if you catch my drift."

The psychiatrist nodded and didn't question the illegalness of her patient, if she was a harm to society, which she was, then the authorities already knew what they were dealing with.

It was scary how her patient had been, under the imperious so many times she couldn't even tell the difference anymore. That scared her.

"Mrs. Lestrange, tell me about your childhood." The old psychiatrist looked at her patient, she had black hair, and ivory white skin. She looked sickly by how skinny she was, and by how pale she was, but upon telling the doctors this, the just shrugged and said it was genetics. 'Focus Ruth, you must pay attention to understand the mental patterns of your patients…' The old psychiatrist told herself before listening once again to her patient.

"My parents were purebloods, the typical sort. Torture and humiliation were a routine during my childhood. As a child you're taught to always be strong, to never show weakness, that's why I didn't have dolls, or dress up cloaks; no, I had severed heads, and knife cases."

The psychologist looked at me over her glasses and wrote down several things on her parchment and motioned for me to go on. 'She's pureblood, which would explain why she's wearing a red silk dress and matching red brocade stilettos while she was in the hospital. Focus Ruth, the days almost done, then you can go home and have a stiff martini.'

Bella noticed that the psychiatrist wasn't even listening, and she was getting bored so she decided to end the session early"So to sum things up as pureblood children we're raised to do two things. One is to be dignified and sophisticated at all times. The other was to fight for the Dark Lord." The middle-aged witch said looking down.

"I see, Mrs. Lestrange, may I call you Belletrix?"

"No, Belletrix was a part of my old life that I don't want to think about; but you may call me Bella."

"That is perfectly understandable, and we'll talk about your so called old life some other time, so don't think you're getting away with anything. But where was I? Oh that's right, Bella is it?" Bella rolled her eyes at the slight lack of compassion that came from the one person who was supposed to comfort her and her troubles, but then again, who can you trust when your own husband doesn't even own a heart…

Bella knew why she was here, her husband wanted to have her head shrunk while he was blowing all their money at the pub, and gambling. Bella fumed visibly

"Bella?" The psychiatrist snapped her fingers in front of Bella's eyes until she paid attention, demeaning Bella by the second as she treated her like a muggle. "Alright Bella, you're husband says that you haven't been yourself lately. He sent you to me so I can check you out. He says he wants to make sure that your marriage doesn't fall apart." Bella snuffed.

"It already has, I don't know what he can't see about that! It's over." She said angrily

"What do you mean by 'it's over?'? What has happened that makes you think that the two of you can't fix this marriage?"

"It's complicated, you wouldn't understand." Bella said sitting up, and hunching looking at the grounds, and fiddling with her hands.

"Try me Bella, what has happened to think that things wouldn't still work out between Ralph and you. Are you seeing another man?" The psychologist leaned forward and put her hand on Bella's, making them instantly stop moving.

"No," Bella said solemnly

The psychiatrist smiled and wrote some things down.

"There's still hope, you know, it's hard to come back from adultery, but now I have full confidence that you two will again be one. You just need a little therapy to deal with the mental scarring of all those imperious'. Now here, have some pills, they should help you sleep without dreaming, or having to drink that terrible potion." She rolled up her parchment happily, pleased that things weren't nearly as complicated as Ralph had hinted. And handed Bella some pills, and closed her hand.

Bella stared down at her closed hand, never moving from her earlier position"It was a woman." she said quietly, never moving.

The psychiatrist gaped for a moment, but regained composure quickly. You always think you climbed to the top of the stairs of triumph only to fall down every last one and break your back.

The old woman sighed and sat back down.

She closed her eyes, and said.

"I see, I should have asked if you were with someone else. That was my mistake. Now, how long were you together?"

"Three years."

"Are you still with her?" Ruth asked, more than uncomfortable.

"No, she was murdered." Bella began to feel her blood boil.

Ruth blanched; the old woman quickly got up from her arm chair and walked across the room, and sat down at her desk. She was preparing for her next question, not wanting to become number five hundred and forty three on Bella's list.

"Did you murder her?" the old witch asked her voice shaking, hardly daring to breathe.

"No," She said quietly "That was Rodolphus. It was part of the mission originally, but that wasn't why he did it. Ralph didn't do it to please the lord, or to save my arse from being killed for not killing her. No, he did it because he was jealous, and wanted his already gone marriage back." Bella said spitefully, desperately wanting crawl back under the covers. She began to cry, for the first time in over twenty years.

Ruth came back over to the setae, and gave Bella her handkerchief; Bella wiped her eyes, and sobbed now.

"What was her name?" Ruth asked.

Bella took a deep breath and said in a barely audible voice "Hermione Granger."

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I only own Ruth.

Reviews Please!


	2. From a new perspective

A/N There has been a change in chapter one, I looked over it again and noticed that it said that they were seeing each other for three months, I actually meant to say three years. That's a huge difference for such a little typo, so I'm very sorry for the confusion.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or it's characters I only own the personalities portrayed as well as Dr. Ruth, and Rodney.

Ruth began to cough and sputter. Bella looked at her, her blazing green eyes clouded over in agony for her lost love, she expected this reaction. Hermione Granger much like her self but in opposite form was quite famous for slaving away her days fighting the dark arts and was a very famous writer on the cause as well.

Bella wiped her eyes once more and began to cough. The dangerous beauty was looking impeccably weak as she began gasping for oxygen. It was evident that she wasn't keeping her health as a priority considering it wasn't a cough from crying too much, it was one that served as evidence of pneumonia.

As Bella took a drink of water from her glass, and took several deep breaths she began to calm down and regain composure.

"Are you ready to proceed Mrs. Lestrange?" Ruth asked

"No, as I've mentioned earlier my marriage doesn't exist any more. If you must address my by my sir name, I'd rather be called Ms. Black; she is ready to talk."

The psychiatrist that had been comforting just seconds before rolled her eyes and took a deep breath and said "Alright then, Ms. Black would you proceed?"

Bella nodded and began the tale of two star crossed lovers. "Hermione was a simple girl, even though she could have easily had lived in a five story mansion in Knotting Hill and never had to work again, she lived in a one bedroom flat in Godric's Hallow, and was an adviser to the minister of magic.

She wasn't just simple in her way of life; she was simple in every aspect. She believed in moderation in her daily life, and giving to those who needed it. She was a genius; she made her own housing development and discovered a thousand ways to renovate old houses to make them rival those of the wealthy pureblood families.

"But she being the woman that she is wouldn't tell anyone but her heir to the company, her vice-president if you will and even then she had a lip locking curse on him, in which he wouldn't be able to speak it, or even write it until the moment she died, and so the line would continue. Just so that people wouldn't take advantage of it, and become snobs."

Ruth knew of Hermione's housing projects from seeing them in the prophet, but never knew of her mysteriousness about it, and only loved her more for it, what a shame that she had been killed.

"Mrs. Lest…" Ruth was getting the glare of a life time, gulped and began once again. This time thinking over her words before speaking. "Ms. Black, may I ask why the newspapers said that Hermione Granger had been the victim of a deadly virus inflicted upon her by traveling to Columbia to help little children there?"

Bella laughed coldly, making Ruth get up for the second time in their section and making her way to her desk, where she was sure she'd be safe.

"That would be Rodolphus' idea as well. He paid the media a hefty cause to disclose her death as something people would cry over and make her seem even more like a saint. The he proceeded to pay the leader of Columbia five billion euros in exchange for appropriately selling the story, and on my orders helping the civilians with the rest of the money."

Ruth gaped at her genuinely surprised to hear of such a conspiracy. "Ms. Black, that is a very big piece of news that you are sharing, how do I know that you are indeed telling the truth?"

"Have one of the Spanish speaking interns come in translate a letter to St. Domingo's Hospital in Quito Columbia and ask them about it." Bella shrugged and rolled her eyes at everyone's suspicion.

"I'll consider that later. Now would you like to tell me more about this mission?" Ruth asked

"No, actually I think we're done for the night I'm tired." Bella answered simply

"Mrs. Lestrange that was not meant to be a question! Answer the question appropriately or you will be penalized accordingly. I'm not being paid to be squabbled at by some convict do I make myself clear?" Ruth screamed.

"I don't need this, I'm in a hospital to reflect on attempted suicide and you're commanding me to talk when I'm obviously not ready. Crucio! Now, leave me alone in peace, horrid wench!" Bella fumed and then muttered "Silencio." Letting the psychiatrist wither on the floor as blood spewed out of various appendages quietly.

Bella got up from the setae, and took off her expensive shoes replacing them in terrycloth pink slippers. As she walked over to the far right side of the room, it transformed from a deep blue office to a pale robin's egg blue hospital room. Bella sat down on her bed, and picked up her copy of Witch's Weekly and sat down to read. As she sat down the room turned into her regular not so spacious hospital room. Her appearance began to change again as well.

Her hair became over run by grey hairs, her hair returned to its regular mangled mess of tangles as well. Her body began to sag, and wrinkles came all over her body. The stress had tainted her body and was ruining her mind, but also her body. It didn't faze her at all, she expected it to happen.

Moments later several authorities came running in. They looked from her to Dr. Ruth that was mutely becoming mutilated my Bella's wandless magic.

The officials ran over to Ruth and did the reverse spells. A toned Ethiopian man came in and said "Bella you didn't!" he ran over to her and gave her a dirty look. Bella shrugged and kept on reading her magazine.

"Bella this is serious they could put you in Azkaban for using an unforgivable, especially on a highly proclaimed medical achiever. Why would you do this Bella?"

"She was yelling at me. I'm in here for stress, and mental conditions. What kind of a fool would yell at her patient, especially one who's mentally unstable?"

"Well, Bella, you can be very difficult sometimes. I'm sure it wasn't anything that you didn't have coming to you. I know you've grown parsnips out of one healer's nose, and made others make bubbles come out when they start to talk, what'd you do this time?" He asked sitting down on the bed.

"She asked about Hermione. Rather, she asked if I'd like to talk about it and she blew up on me when I said no. Rodney, I'm not ready to talk about her so suddenly. I can't. I already cried once today, and I felt it highly improper to do it again. After twenty years of holding in my emotion, I feel it would be most unbecoming to stain my reputation as a whimpering infant." Bella felt it again and took a couple of deep breaths, she knew that if Rodney even once said Hermione that she would loose it.

"Bella, that is her job. She's a psychiatrist brought in all the way from the muggle world just for you. Ralph asked for the best and she is; couldn't you give her a chance?" Rodney asked trying to make an ultimatum with his patient.

Bella took two more deep breaths before continuing "Rodney, I can't. She doesn't even care. She kept calling me Bellatrix, first of all I can't deal with that as you already know it reminds me of all the stuff that I've done, and I don't want to deal with it as Ralph's trying to get better."

"Ralph's sick? Bella you didn't mention…"

"No, he's not, but I don't want to get better this is more of a healing process for him than me." Bella said taking in more deep breaths as images of Hermione's mangled dead body flooded her mind. That imbecile just had to keep bringing her up didn't she? Now it was all Bella could think of.

Bella began to sweat trapped in a trance of torture her mind began to pulsate at the thought of Hermione. Bella took deep breaths trying to concentrate on other aspects of her life.

"Bella, are you alright?" after hearing Rodney's voice she came out of her visual torture of the death of the other half of her soul.

"Yes, just another flash back from October." She ex-convict murmured thinking about it herself.

"We're going to take Dr. Ruth to heal her. She'll be fine, but her session won't be continuing today." Richard the chief of St. Mungo's said to Rodney.

"Alright sir, that is entirely understandable."

"Would you _please _keep an eye on her? I'm taking you off your other cases until I have proof that she can manage on her own without injuring innocent healers." Richard said scornfully, trying to show Bella that she'd been a bad girl, instead Bella snorted and bit back a laugh.

Rodney glared at Bella, silencing her. "Yes, I promise I'll stay with her at all times."

"Do you know what made your patient do this? Although I'm pretty sure that this was her form of entertainment on a boring, snowy day at St. Mungo's."

"Actually she was offended because Dr. Ruth was yelling at her for not being able to talk about her lover just yet."

"I shall talk to Dr. Ruth about such things. At St. Mungo's we wait until the patient can come to us, not yelling and forcing the patient to tell their healer's their deepest secrets. Remind your patient not to do such things again, this is a warning, next time she will be spending the night in the mental ward's padded room until she is considered safe again." Richard finished up walking towards the door, waving and then exiting.

"Are you mad Rodney?" Bella asked noticing Rodney staring off into space.

"No, Bella I'm not mad at you." Rodney said his accent thick making her notice how angry he must really be.

"Are you mad Rodney?" Bella asked again, hoping this time he would trust her enough to tell the truth.

"No, just disappointed; I thought you were making progress, and you disappointed me." Rodney said dully

Hoping that she could get the true reason out of him she pried at him again saying "Are you mad Rodney?"

"Yes, Bella I am angry. I was hoping to get home, and visit my grandmother who's sick. I'd like to go grocery shopping, I'd like to have a cup of tea, I'd like to play with my dog, or try and find myself a decent girlfriend but I'm going to be babysitting you until you make a true improvement." Rodney said his voice still monotone, his eyes never leaving her patient charts, his body not moving an inch, but this time she knew he was being truthful, and felt truly sorry for dragging him down.

"I'm sorry." Bella said honestly

"It's alright, what do you want to do now?" Rodney asked standing up right once again, straightening his scrubs and then scratching his bald head.

"I'm not sure. For once I'm completely blank, I can honestly say I don't know what I want to do." Bella

"Are you tired?" He asked

"A little." Bella said looking out her window.

"Do you want a drought of dreamless sleep?" Rodney asked

"No, I don't want to go to sleep yet." She watched the snow fall and figured it was roughly Christmas time. She didn't keep track of the time

"Alright would you like to play a game? I can grab one from the lounge if you want?" Rodney asked sitting on the bed.

Bella shook her head as if to say no. Bella was looking at the snow fall peacefully, by the time the whole fiasco was over it was nighttime. The street light was shining on it. Bella went spiraling into a memory of Hermione and her playing in the snow.

**A/N This contains a sex scene if you aren't of age or don't care for them, just know that Bella was thinking of hermione in a very private way, that dives her insane, you can skip the italcs portion.**

_Flashback_

"_Bella come on out it's beautiful out here. Don't you just love the snow?" Hermione said cheerfully and throwing two handfuls of snow up in the air letting it fall on her like a snowball in a very cliché manner._

_Bella shook her head and said "No, I don't love the snow, its cold wet and comes at the most inopportune moments." _

"_You two seem to have a lot in common…" Hermione joked walking up to Bella and pushing her playfully._

"_Hey!" Bella exclaimed Bella pushed back at the beautiful curly haired witch. Bella was curled up in a black sheep skin blanket, not thinking to grab a cloak when she'd only be coming out for a moment as Hermione wanted to grab crookshanks who'd been let out earlier. _

"_I don't know why we had to come out here in the first place you could have just conjured him in the house…" Bella said matter-of-factly_

"_Belletrix Lestrange! You can't conjure a cat, or any animal for that matter! It's against the animal protection laws…" a horrified Hermione replied._

_Bella shrugged and pushed Hermione again continuing their earlier push fight. She tugged her blanket around her shoulders fighting to stay warm against the cold._

_Hermione pushed her harder than the regular play shove. Bella was thrown and her body actually moved a couple feet away from her dwelling spot. _

_Bella fumed and gave Hermione an angry face. 'That little minx is acting innocent! Oh, she will pay for that!' Bella thought_

_Bella stood there for a moment and thought about what she'd do, making it look like she gave up on her little tyrant. _

"_Bella, you wimp; you're going to honestly let me win? How drab…" Hermione said walking up to her lover clearly disappointed that she didn't have an ounce of fun in her, also that she actually gave up._

_Meanwhile Bella was using her magic to bind snow together and then conjuring it under her blanket._

_Shivering because she couldn't use a warming charm otherwise she'd melt all of the snowballs she just made, Bella stood there being cold, and silently building herself an army._

"_Cold Bella? Oh poor baby, you really are being weak today, I'm surprised with you. This isn't like you at all to first off not kill me for winning, and second off to just let me torment you and not do anything. Yeah, well. Oops sorry!" Hermione said while bumping Bella very hard and nearly sending her to the ground since she wasn't anticipating this._

"_Aw, Bella I'm truly sorry here, let me give you a hug to show how sorry I am." Hermione said _

'_I can tell by her tone, she just wants to have sex. Otherwise she wouldn't be acting like this.' Bella thought to herself _

_Hermione pulled Bella's warm blanket off her shoulders and added it as another layer of her cloak…_

_Hermione laughed not looking at Bella, it was funny how she thought she was so powerful and clever._

_Bella smirked as Hermione turned around to see Bella with an armful of snowballs. Hermione's face was priceless. She looked horrified and amused at the same time. So Bella started throwing the snow balls at Hermione._

_Hermione was flabbergasted, but after being hit six times in a row managed to get some snowballs together to throw at her lover. _

_After a severe snowball war that had so far lasted for seven minutes Bella decided to get snarky. She strode up to Hermione raised her arms in the air, as if to say 'I surrender' and walked up to Hermione with her right arm outstretched to make a peace treaty._

"_You giving up so quickly dear?" Hermione said _

"_Well, given that you stole my wand, and have my blanket I'm frigid and would like to throw the towel in, and get a cup of earl grey what do you say?" _

_Hermione nodded and they walked in hand in hand. Once in the house Hermione took Bella's wand and magically blindfolded her making it impossible for her to see, or able to remove it._

"_Hermione!" Bella roared "Get this off of me this instant!" _

_Hermione laughed and said "No, of course I'm not going to take it off simply because you asked me to." Hermione continued to laugh and suddenly her voice drifted off and Bella was left blind and deaf, and shivering in Hermione's hands. _

"_Hermione!" Bella screamed, but couldn't even feel her vocal chords vibrate. Make that blind, deaf, and mute. _

_Hermione laughed and knew that Bella knew her way around her house. So she spun her around, and led her sharply around the kitchen table to get rid of her visual compass. _

_Hermione grabbed a bowl and filled it with ice from the freezer. Then she led Bella off to her room. Hermione also numbed Bella's nerves and sensors testing the spells for later fun._

_She removed all spells but the magical blindfold and sat her down on the bed. Hermione stretched Bella's arm out and kissed it from her shoulder to her fingertips and then handcuffed her to the bed._

"_Hermione are we about to have sex?" Bella asked curiously her voice cracked slightly from excitement. _

_Hermione moved Bella's hand into a fist so there was only a hole in-between her thumb and pointer finger and began licking it all around and lapping up invisible juices. _

_Bella felt herself grow wet and shivered slightly. "Does that answer your question?" Hermione asked her voice husky, and Bella moaned._

_Hermione repeated the ritual on Bella's right arm. Hermione took Bella's clothes off starting at her navy blue silk dress. She removed Bella's navy blue lace bra and fondled her breasts, and nipples. But she left her lover's navy blue lace boy short knickers for last. Gently rolling down her hips, and letting them gather at the her ankles then dropping them to the floor._

_Bella was shivering uncontrollably, and her teeth were chattering. "Don't worry baby, I'll warm you right up." Hermione said and began kissing Bella's shoulder._

"_No, can you please do it now, it's beginning to hurt I'm so cold. You had to be a bloody tease out there, and I don't want to be bed written with pneumonia. I don't mind you acting cute, but honestly I need to get warm and quick." _

_Hermione agreed not wanting to make her lover sick, and lit the fireplace with a warming fire that could warm even the coldest army. Then she decided to divest herself of her clothing since her lover was already naked. _

_Hermione took off Bella's blanket, and laid it on her to add to the warmness. And then proceeded to take off her cloak, hat, scarf, mittens, boots, sweater, jeans, two pairs of socks, knickers and bra. She removed Bella's blanket again and straddled her torso._

_Hermione licked up to Bella breasts starting from her navel. Bella shivered. "Do I need to get off of you until you __warm up__? Or can I proceed?" Hermione asked whispering in Bella's ear. _

"_No, that just felt good, it was a good shiver, I'll be fine, now don't ask again." Bella said back._

_Hermione chuckled a bit, and then proceeded. They kissed like long lost lovers after a war away from each other. After appropriate timing Hermione got up and off of Bella and grabbed the ice block and brought it back to the bed._

_The ice had been melting and stuck together so Hermione had to break the cubes apart. In the meantime she covered Bella back up with sheep blanket and turned the fire up. _

"_Hermione, I'm fine. Those were good shivers remember? No need to walk away, or give me a blanket. Actually I'm beginning to get rather hot, can you take it off?"_

"_No. Leave it on." Hermione said Bella began to wiggle to get it off and received a slap on the hand from Hermione. "Leave it babe!" Hermione growled_

"_But I'm sweating, get it off of me now!" Bella screamed_

"_No! Now stop complaining or I won't cool you off." Bella was instantly silenced _

"_I'm not punishing you for shiver, you can shiver, but I don't want to see you otherwise I'll get too distracted, and I want you to get you sweating."_

_Hermione was now finished separating the ice cubes and walked over to the bed and took out five ice cubes. Bella heard the bowl clank, and growled._

"_Hermione are you using ice-cream? I told you I don't like when you eat sweets off of me. Then I get sticky, and I'll fall asleep after sex and I'll wake up with fuzz all over me."_

_As Bella was complaining about sweets Hermione moved Bella's legs apart, not listening to her lover but still agreeing with her as she prepped her for a new treat._

"_Oh it's not ice-cream my love, but you're getting closer…" Hermione said inserting three ice cubes into Bella._

"_You better not be using whipped-cream, I swear I will kill you-ah! Good Merlin what on earth are you doing to me?" Bella roared and moaned at Hermione. Her body was shivering in both pleasure, and being cold at her hottest core._

_Hermione smiled and said "We're playing a game, you can't talk, until the ice melts. Okay? Only sounds from here on out."_

"_No, I want to bloody see you. Take the blindfold off now!" Bella said growing angry_

"_Sure, I want you t you to see me anyways… The blindfold was all because of the ice I wanted to shock you." Hermione said_

_Bella moaned at the feeling of the ice, it was so strange. Never before had she ever thought to use ice in such a way. It was new, and fresh, and… 'Merlin! This feels so amazing!' Bella thought to herself_

_But Bella noticed something curious. Her vagina wasn't holding in the refreshing juices after melting them, but rather overflowing with them not unlike a flooding reservoir. _

"_Oh dear, sprung a leak have we? Well let me just clean that up for you." Hermione said licking her way down from her lover's collar bone, down to clean up after the mess Bella couldn't help but make._

_Once at least semi-decently clean, Hermione went to the edge of the bed and grabbed the last of the ice chunks and began to rub it all over Bella's body. _

_She left cold trails of passion in various places from Bella's belly button, to her nipples and back down again._

_Bella was now trembling and couldn't hold it in much longer. Bella moaned and was shaking trying to bring herself over into an orgasm. She rotated her hips but couldn't seem to find relief. _

_Bella was becoming very frustrated and got vocal. She broke rule number one. Rather the only rule that Hermione had set._

"'_Mione!" Bella roared "Make me orgasm now! I cannot take it any longer, this is ridiculous, satisfy me at once or I'll…I'll…I'll cut off your clitoris while you sleep!" Bella screamed crazily._

"_Ah, but I'd love to make you orgasm. But after almost being able to do it, I'm going to have to give you a penalty for using your words. But wait, just one moment I'm still on clean up duty." Hermione said cheerfully _

_She dove under the silk sheet, and immediately began to lick off the excess liquids from the ice. She maneuvered her way around her lover's clitoris in order to punish her even more, and make her pay for using her voice. She slurped up the liquid all in one go, and then got back up to the surface grabbing air._

"_Now, for your punishment. I'm going to give you two more icecubes worth of chances to prove yourself worthy and then I'll satiate you."_

_Hermione looked into the bowl, and found that she was out of cubes. "Oh, would you look at that, I'm completely out of punishments!" Hermione said innocently_

_But then Hermione grabbed her tower of ice, and quickly plunged it into Bella moving it in and out. Bella howled at the sensation, although it was still ice it had a completely different feeling from one that. _

_After a few minutes, some of heat others of Hermione cheating and breaking off cubes or rubbing the excessively hard to make them melt Bella got the word to talk._

"_Ugh, my vagina's water-logged…" Bella exclaimed to no one in general the she looked at Hermione and said "Good lord, what's wrong with you?!" Bella roared _

_Hermione shrugged and looked disappointed. She had never been in control like this and judging by Bella's behavior she didn't do well._

"_I'm sorry!" the younger witch began to cry, it was evident that even though she wasn't menstruating from taking the potion, she hormone levels were still at their peak and she was very emotional._

"_I tried my hardest, I was talking to Harry and he said that this always worked for Ginny, so I thought I could try it on you. I didn't know what you'd like because I've never been in command before and I wanted to surprise you with something original that we'd never done before, but what's the use? I didn't realize that it was that bad, I mean who wants to be waterlogged? No one, that must feel soggy and disgusting. All cold and tingly…" Hermione cried_

"_Yeah, it was like a brain-freeze for my lower region…" Bella laughed_

_But Hermione didn't find it funny at all, and thinking it was time to throw in the towel completely she began taking Bella's arms out of the hand cuffs. The older witch rubbed her wrists to regain some blood flow and Hermione went on._

"_But I'm no good, not at all! I'm sorry I was so bad." Hermione began taking sobbing gasps for breath._

_Bella sat up and cupped Hermione's face with her hands and said "Listen, it was good. Very good, so much so that I don't even feel satisfied…" Hermione began to moan and had to wipe away a new batch of tears._

_Bella shushed her and placed her pointer finger on Hermione's lips to silence her. She wiped away her tears with her thumbs and said "That isn't always a bad thing. In fact, that is a very good thing usually. You were teasing me, it makes your lover want more. _

"_I haven't done that to you yet, and I've been gentle up until this time with you because I didn't know if you could handle that. Ralph can't even handle that. He won't do it, nor would he let me when we still had intercourse those years ago. You're better than a forty-year old pure blood man. Point is now, its okay, and you did marvelous for your first time; that idiot Ronald would be jealous if he'd known what you'd just done." Bella finished_

"_You really think so?" Hermione said she voice was lighter now, and she sounded pleased with herself._

"_Of course. Now, I want you to finish off what you started before you throw in the towel, otherwise I will be left unhappy." Bella said half joking half serious._

_Hermione smiled and wiped away the last of her tears gasping slightly as she calmed down. _

"_If that's the case, my hands are really cold from holding all of that ice.. Do you think I can warm them up here" Hermione asked suggestively her hands moving down her lover's body._

Bella was sobbing hysterically, wanting her sweet Hermione back. She didn't even care that she was crying anymore. Rodney was rubbing her back in soft comforting circles.

He used occlumacy on his patient, and after seeing Hermione from Bella's point of view he could see why such a witch would be missed so dearly.

Bella noticed Rodney there, and cried on his shoulder. He hugged her, and spoke kind words that made her at ease.

The clock now read nine pm. And it was late at the hospital.

"Bella?" Rodney asked

Bella looked up at him, her face tear stained. It shocked him how much she looked like a normal grieving person rather than the witch who usually played silly pranks and hurt the other patients and healer's feelings…

She sniffed and whispered "Avada Kedavera" and passed on, Rodney crying out for her as her limp body fell to the floor.

Bella shook her head and ended the day dream, and focused on the scene before her. Bella continued to cry for Hermione. The images of her on the floor the knife on the floor beside her.

Daydreams of Bella stabbing herself, convulsing as her heart desperately tried to beat. Blood spraying from the wound. The doctors and nurses sent from the muggle world running in to see if she was alright. The healers and their helpers watching her and thinking 'Good riddance, she was such a menace.' Bella shook herself out of her nightmares and began to scream hysterically, and sounding very much afraid.

Rodney had been comforting her from across the room, preparing a drought of dreamless sleep potion. His patient was worrying him, and he decided after such a long and hard day there was nothing more she needed than a good night's sleep.

Bella was stiff on the bed still crying out mercifully, and trying to control herself from this behavior but she couldn't. She was too much afraid of her actions. Her mind and body wanted one thing, but her hand had a mind of itself.

"Rodney!" Bella roared tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please Rodney I need you! I'm so scared, please!" she begged sobbing and resembling a two year old trying to escape their cradle and crying for their mother.

Rodney grabbed the potion, and put it into a flask to give to her. He also put some into a syringe like the muggle doctors told him to do in case she didn't listen, or refused to take the potion he could still give it to her with force.

Rodney was standing beside her now. "Bella what's the matter, what's all the hullabaloo? Monsters in your dreams again?" He asked his voice calm and steady and still treating her like an adolescent.

"Rodney," she whispered, her voice was very shaky "There is a blue pillow beneath this pale pink one, do you see it?" she asked nearly moaning the question out.

"Yes, would you like me to plump it for you? Okay, now Bella take this potion." Rodney said, acting just like the muggle doctors told him to act. He could see them watching through her window in her door, they were giving him a symbol that looked like a fist, with the thumb sticking out. What an odd thing to do? It must mean something good if they were smiling.

"No, Rodney I do not want you to plump it for me, would you please just-!" She was cut off by Rodney once again offering her the potion, and she slapped it away, becoming mad at him for not listening to her. The potion hit the floor and dissolved the tiles.

"What the hell Rodney? I'm going to pretend you did not just do that. Now listen, I want you to- What the fuck Rodney! You just stabbed me!" Bella fumed and hit him.

"It's okay, Bella, just go to sleep now…" Rodney soothed the officials were marveling that she wasn't falling asleep instantly in comparison to the effects it had on their patients, and this one was stronger.

"Rodney you don't just come in here and stab me with gods knows what, what was that?" She thought for a second "Draught of Dreamless sleep? Really Rodney? If I didn't need you so much, I'd slap you and jump out this hospital and leave you all. But since I honestly need you right now, I'm going to just fight this potion and go on, before the worst happens." She was still fighting her hand from reaching out and grabbing the knife, and ending it all.

"How is this working Bella? I don't understand how you aren't passed out." Rodney asked.

Bella grabbed the front of his scrubs and pulled him closer and whispered still sobbing. "Okay, listen I'm having a nervous breakdown and I can't control my right arm. I just had a vision of me and Hermione fucking in a very painful and kinky manner. This is what is making me have the attack, I've figured this much out. What I don't know is why my hand is reaching for the knife in my blue pillow sack and is about ready to stab me. It's either something wrong with me, or a new strand of the imperious curse since I can sense the imperious and fight it. Either way, I wanted to tell you that you have to remove it right now, because my hand is around the hilt and I'm preparing to stab myself and leave the world the same way Hermione was murdered. I also want you to take me out of my bed, because of you my whole body is slacked with the exception of my right arm."

Rodney stared at the witch whose body was completely limp in his arm. "You bloody imbecile, I am stabbing myself as we speak. Do something before I kill myself!" Bella shouted howling in anguish and pain, and the knife tore through the first few layers of skin and was headed to its target location.

Rodney took her fingers one by one and unwrapped them from the hilt and let the knife fall to the floor.

"Take all the weapons out of the room, there are some hidden in the curtains, one in each pillow case, all of the fashion belts in the closet, all the stilettos from the armoire, the scissors from arts and crafts. Oh, and don't forget to at the very least unwire the burner on the counter for making potions. Please put me in a straight jacket, and take my wand even though I can still use wandless magic.

"Now you can go out with your doctor friends I could distantly hear them saying something about trying magical liquors, and asking you to put me down for the night. I just want you know what you have to do to keep me alive for just a couple hours. I had no control over my hand there, and as we speak I'm resisting the drought of dreamless sleep potion you so effortlessly injected in me.

"It'd work quicker if you inserted it directly into a vein next time, just to let you know. Now I'm going to give in to this potion because I'm mad at you. Being the intellectual that you are I know I've just starved you for knowledge and I know that you want to ask me all sorts of questions. So just go out with your doctor friends, they want you and I'm either going to ignore you or try and hurt you if you stay anyways. Just get out of here, I can't believe you, the only one who actually cared about me would give into their western techniques and break my trust. Oh, one more thing, now that I'm all strapped in, make sure you take all the ice out of the freezer, I'm horny as ever after seeing Hermione like that." Bella roared at him. She drifted off to sleep as she gave in to the potion.

Rodney couldn't believe what he had just done, or what he had just witnessed. He was mentally whipping himself after hear all the psychological information that she had just given him. She had marveled him many, many times in the last couple months but never like this. Her charts said that she was very in tune with her body, even being able to tell him instantly what her heart rate was or what germs were in her body when she was ill.

But never had she been so explicit like this. Of course he had followed along, and did everything she said magically as she told him what needed to happen. He was baffled at the attempted suicide and stood there staring at her trying to work out what just happened.

Suddenly Bella woke up from the potion looked at him angrily and said "Get out of here now, I'm sleeping and you almost just broke my strands of life because you were too dumbfounded. I will teach you everything, along with my methods of medicine learned from servicing the dark lord if you leave immediately. If not, I will not hesitate to wandlessly 'A.K.' you. GO!" she roared and returned to slumber, leaving a very bewildered healer and a crowd of anxiously awaiting new doctor friends.

A/N Took long enough, sorry it's band season, that means less fanfic time. A.k is short for the killing curse in case you didn't figure that out. Also just a reminder, this is a femmeslash story, there will be lemons in here many in fact. I will always tell you before one happens to warn you, but know that i'm not usually this curteous, and that if you don't like slash, lesbians, or sex you shouldn't be reading this, and don't yell at me for writing this, I've rightfully warned you. Thanks, leave a review...love Ashley


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